Eric Goes Shopping
by MauMauKa
Summary: Sookie gives Eric a difficult challenge. Will he succeed?


**A/V: WARNING! THIS IS COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY GROSS, FREAKY AND JUST PLAIN WRONG, BUT IT IS ALSO VERY FUNNY. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!**

_**PAM-POV**_

"You have to do _what_, now?"

My vampire master sighed and rubbed the back of his neck "Sookie said it was the one true test of love for any man."

I grinned. "She got you good."

He scowled. "It's not exactly a difficult thing she's asking for. I only have to do a little shopping."

I started to laugh. There's a very good reason why Sookie Stackhouse is my favorite breather. Only Sookie would come up with something so simple and so ingenious...not to mention so amusing.

"Shut up and get in the car, Pam. I need your help with this."

"Oh no." I shook my head. "You're on your own with this one, Northman. I wouldn't dream of getting between you and Sookie. Besides, _I _haven't had that particular problem in over a hundred years. I'd have no more idea what to get than you would."

Eric nods, pissed off but acknowledging that I'm right. "Does she have any female friends?"

"None that you could approach without it causing a lot of hassle."

"I'm screwed then."

"You could just get her one of everything."

"And that _wouldn't_ cause a lot of hassle?"

"You're right...wait a minute. What about the little twinkle with the eyeliner? You know, he's one of your dealers. Isn't he a friend of hers?"

Eric considers for a moment. "Not the best option, but the only one I have."

As he gets in the car and drives off, I beckon Jessica over. "Jessica, go get my digital camera. Take it to the Wal-Mart at 4th and Giroux in Bon Temps."

"Why?"

"You'll see. Jusr run along."

_**ERIC-POV**_

The man Pam referred me to was not at all happy to see me standing on his doorstep. "Aw _shit_."

"I need your help" I told him bluntly. "Get in the car."

He glared at me. I'd clearly woken him up; it was the first time I'd seen his eyeliner smeared. But he knew me well enough to do as he was told_. "What?"_ he demanded belligerently as he buckled his seat belt. "What the hell you want now?"

"I need your assistance with a personal matter, Lafayette. Sookie has asked me to obtain some materials for her and I'm not sure what kind she wants."

"Materials?"

"'Feminine supplies'" I explained carefully. "Whatever they are."

"And how the hell would _I_ know about that shit? I ain't no woman!"

"No, but you're the closest thing to one that I can find." I swing the car out of his driveway and in ten minutes we're pulling into the parking lot of that interesting cultural mecca known as a 'Wal-Mart'.

"Goddamn stupid vampires!" Lafayette muttered as he followed me out of the car. "It ain't enough they got me dealin' their blood. It ain't enough they strung me up on their wheel and tortured my ass, now they got me shoppin' for their girlfriends like _I _know what kinda feminine shit-"

_"Enough"_ I said, raising my eyebrow. Lafayette subsided into sulky silence as we entered the store. A woman wearing a blue vest did a double take as we walked in, then squared her shoulders and gave us a determined smile. "Welcome to Wal-mart. Can I help you find anything tonight?"

"Yes, thank you. Where would the feminine supplies be?"

She blinked and glanced from me to Lafayette and back again. "The-?"

_"Feminine supplies"_ I said patiently. "Where are they?"

She cleared her throat. "Um...they're in Health and Beauty. Just go to the main aisle and turn left and it's all the way back."

"Thank you." I left her and dragged Lafayette after me. He kept his head down, clearly and pointlessly hoping nobody would notice us.

We reached the "Health and Beauty" section, but all I could see was cosmetics and hair brushes. Lafayette shook his head at me. "The shit's gonna be at the back. C'mon and let's get this over with."

He walked ahead of me and I followed him until we reached the back wall and I was confronted with boxes and boxes of sprays, padding, and strange stick-like, tubular things. "Well, this is interesting" said as I picked up a box of the sticks and read the back. The sticks were for "internal protection", and that confused me. Was Sookie supposed to eat them? They didn't _look _edible.

"What size she take?" Lafayette asked as he examined the shelves.

"What?" I had no idea what he was talking about.

"What _size_ she take? For the tampons?" He rolled his eyes as I continued to gaze at him. "The things you're holding in your _hand. _What size of those do she use?"

"I don't know. Small, maybe? She isn't a very large person."

"Jesus Christ. It don't _matter_ how tall she is! Or what she weigh. What size is her coochie?"

"I don't _know_" I said in frustration. "It never occurred to me to _measure_ it."

Lafayette groaned and leaned his head against a nearby shelf. "Then you need to call her and ask. And has what her flow's like, while you're at it."

"Her what?"

"Just do it."

I called Sookie's cell and it rolled to voice mail immediately. I left her a message stating what I wanted to know and snapped the phone shut. "So what are these for, anyway?" I asked.

"You never seen em' before?"

"No."

Lafayette sighed and closed his eyes. "Women use em' during they monthlies. They stop the flow of blood so they clothes don't get messed up. That's what these pad things are for, too."

That would explain why I'd never seen one. Most female fangbangers make a point of not even wearing underwear during their moon times; the blood smell increases their charms tenfold and they know it.

"What about this?" I picked up a small canister.

"Pussy spray. For the smell."

"Of blood?"

"No, just of pussy."

This was unbelieveable! "There's nothing _wrong _with the way a woman smells." I said.

"Maybe not, if you be likin' the smell of fish."

"It does _not_ smell like fish."

"Well, I wouldn't know...I just know that's what everybody says" Lafayette shook his head and groaned. "Can we _please _not have this conversation?"

"And these pads..." I looked at the box. "It says they're for heat."

"They supposed to help cramps."

"Oh. I better get a few then. Sookie did mention she sometimes has that problem."

"I wish to hell she'd call you back. Try her again."

I did. Still nothing. "I think her batteries might be low."

"Wonderful. So we got no idea what size she take or nothin'. The only thing I can suggest is-" 

"-Forget it" I interrupted. "We'll get one of each size. Plus a few other things."

_**SOOKIE-POV**_

Of all the things in life that I never expected, Eric Northman standing on my porch with Lafayette holding a giant cardboard carton filled with feminine supplies _has_ to lead the list. "Oh my God!"

"I tried to call you. Your phone seems to be off." 

"It is!" I gasped as I hustle them both inside before the neighbors could see them. "I turned it off when I put on the charger! What _have_ you done?"

"Cleaned out the whole tampon section at Wal-Mart, that's what", Lafayette collapsed on my couch with one arm over his eyes. "Maxine Fortenberry was checkin' out when we left. I'm gonna be hearin' about this for the rest of my life!"

I opened the carton. Lafayette was right. There were tampons in every size, both with and without applicators. There were pads for daytime, pads for night, thin pads, thick pads, and a special kind that you could wear with thong underwear. There were boxes and boxes of those disposable heating pads. I actually appreciated those, as my cramps get pretty bad sometimes. There were also several boxes of douche. 

"Eric Northman!" I asked ominously. "Are you trying to tell me that I stink?"

He looked genuinely startled. "No! Not at all."

"Then what's this?" I held up two of the boxes and shook them at him. "And by the way..." I dropped the boxes and pawed deep down into the bottom of the carton. "...what gave you the idea that I was constipated?" I held up the box marked FLEET.

"That's not a feminine supply?"

"No, it is _not!_" I huffed, but his completely puzzled expression made me relent a little. "All right. I should have told you what to get. It's just the thing is...I never thought you'd actually _do_ it. A lot of men would die first."

Eric perked up. "Does that mean I've passed the test of love?"

Lafayette moaned as though in profound agony, but I couldn't help laughing. He looked so _hopeful_. That damn Eric Northman! He gets to me every time. I threw my arms around him and gave him a big kiss. "Yes, you insane idiot. I reckon it does."

_**PAM-POV**_

Jessica was still giggling madly when she bounded in, her eyes rimmed red. "I got them! Oh my God, it was HILARIOUS!"

"Shh!" I hissed. I took the camera from her and shoved it into my purse. "What happened?"

"When they got there, Lafayette asked him what size stuff Sookie needed and Eric didn't know. He tried to call her but she didn't call back, so they got one of everything."

I snickered. "Then what?"

"They paid for the stuff. You should have seen the look on the cashier's face! Not to mention everyone else's! It got so quiet you coulda heard a pin drop. Everyone just stood there and watched them and poor Lafayette kept looking like he wanted to crawl under the cart!"

I couldn't keep the laughter in anymore. I cracked up, which set Jessica off all over again. We just stood there laughing until Jessica gasped, "You know what the _really_ funny thing is?"

"No, what?"

"If he'd just asked me, _I_ could have told him what size Sookie needed. She used to keep a box of stuff in Bill's bathroom."

**~FIn~**


End file.
